


The Safety of Little Spoons

by Obsessivecompulsivereadr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, References to Depression, References to Homophobia, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, discussion of mental health issues, discussion of past suicidal ideation, not a fix it fic because you can't just fix depression symptoms with magic, reference to self harming behavior, reference to suicide attempt, references to other characters who only appear briefly in the beginning, spoilers for ep 8, the mature rating is about the subject matter, though magnus would if he could
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 05:18:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9864626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessivecompulsivereadr/pseuds/Obsessivecompulsivereadr
Summary: Magnus understands that, but he’s not sure that Alec does.  The spell was not created to force any of them into action.  It creates hallucinations of deep fears, the fears that dredge up hollowness and self-loathing, that create suspicion and hatred.  That’s all.  But where others had fought among themselves and attempted to hurt each other, Alec’s fears made him turn on himself, and there is little Magnus can do to stop that from happening again.He can’t fix this with magic, no matter how much he longs to try.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to cover the topic as honestly and non-offensively as possible. I have suffered with some depression symptoms during my life, but at only one time were the symptoms severe enough for me to warrant medication. That said, if I've triggered something or worded something badly, please let me know and I'll do my best to fix it.
> 
> The title fits even though it makes no sense. Just go with it.

“You need to come with us, right now, Alec,” Maryse demands.

“I’m staying here,” Alec answers.

“Tomorrow is Max’s day.”

“And I will be there _tomorrow_ , but can we not do this tonight?  I’m tired, and so is Magnus.  So can you leave it alone right now?”  

Alec does sound exhausted, but then again, they all are.  The spell Iris cast on the partygoers has left everyone drained of energy, and Magnus himself is wound so very tight at the moment that he feels like he could snap at anyone right now.  Even his Alexander.  Intellectually, he understands that it’s part of the side effects of the spell, but emotions are hard to separate from intellect at the moment.

Magnus is not even the least bit concerned about using his magic to listen in on their conversation.  Normally he allows people their privacy in sensitive situations, and he would allow the Lightwood family that right now, if the night hadn’t gone the way it had.

He might also be closer to the balcony’s edge if the night had gone differently.

Magnus was standing in a place that once gave him, well actually both of them, some peace from the world, but now, even without closing his eyes, all he can see is Alec tipping himself over the side, consumed by thoughts that convinced him his life wasn’t worth anything anymore.

Magnus deals with those who hurt the people he cares about.  If that requires that they be turned over to the Clave, then so be it.  If that requires that they be destroyed, then he often lives with that decision as well.  And part of the reason he feels so drained right now is the absolute vengeance with which he’d gone after Iris Rouse tonight.  

Simply because of what her spell had put Alec through.  

Magnus wants to go after Valentine immediately to retrieve his spell book, but he acknowledges that he can’t.  Not while he is this angry.  Not while he can be easily distracted by vengeance.

While he has power to spare, he doesn’t have the mental energy to track the man tonight.  And even if he could find Valentine, none of his companions have the fortitude left to help defeat him, not that Magnus would actually _require_ their help.  But they’d go with him anyway, especially Alec, whether Magnus agrees or not, and then they’d be in unnecessary danger.  

Alec would be in danger, and Magnus will not allow that.   

Magnus will deal with Valentine, on his own terms, but it just cannot be tonight.

“The arguing is not going to change my mind,” Alec says.

“Alec,” Maryse tries again, and Magnus can almost see the fury in her face in response to Alec yet again not giving in to her demands.

“Mom, I want to go,” the smallest Lightwood pipes up, and after having dealt with some of that little Lightwood’s entitlement issues, Magnus gives in to the eye-roll that he’s been holding back for the past few hours.  

He has less positive feelings toward that one, because he reminds Magnus so much of Robert and Maryse.  He knows that it’s not Max’s fault he was raised with those same prejudices, but when Magnus sees that little boy, he sees someone who will grow up to be just like his parents, unless someone steps in and confronts those hateful beliefs.  Even Alec is still struggling to unlearn them, and Alec is the one Lightwood that consistently impresses him with his ability to be nothing like the other members of his family.

“We will once we convince your brother to join us,” Maryse argues.

“I’m staying here, tonight.”  

“You have been through too much.  You need family.”  

“I need to be here,” Alec says firmly.

Magnus knows that the best course of action when confronted with Lightwood family drama is to stay as far away as possible.  But it’s harder to do now that he is in a relationship with Maryse and Robert’s son.  He wants to step in and remove them all from his apartment, Jace included, because he is just _that_ irritated with all of them.  

He wants to stride in there and add to the conversation about Alec, since everyone seems to have an opinion about that particular Lightwood tonight.  He wants to point out that claiming family ties right now is a little too late since Alec’s issues with that very family are part of why he doesn’t want to go back to the Institute with his mother right now.  

But he isn’t sure that Alec would appreciate that help at the moment.  He might if everyone weren’t so tense and dealing with issues brought up by the hallucinations, but he can’t be sure how Alec is feeling right now.  

Magnus is also afraid that if he mentions it, the spell and how it affected Alec, that his own fears will make Alec feel even worse.

“Maryse, let’s talk about all this tomorrow,” Jace interjects.

“Let’s go, mom,” Izzy’s voice adds to the cacophony.  

Silence falls quickly after that, and Magnus turns a bit from where he’s standing, just outside the doorway leading to the balcony, to glance inside the apartment. He listens for Jace but doesn’t hear him.  He’s not sure if that means he went with Maryse or if he’s just retreated to his room.  

But the footsteps coming closer to him are ones he has no trouble recognizing.

“Hey,” Alec whispers as he comes up behind Magnus.  Alec wraps one arm around him and perches his chin on Magnus’s shoulder.  “Are you okay?" 

Magnus leans back against him and twines their fingers together where their hands rest against his waist.  “No, not really.”

“Do you want to sit out here?” Alec asks, but with a hoarseness in his voice.  

“No,” Magnus squeezes his hand, “not tonight.”  

“Come inside, then?” Alec asks, and Magnus complies with his request.  

Alec holds his hand as they cross the living room, and he drops to the couch with an exaggerated sigh, tugging to encourage Magnus to follow.  He pulls Magnus close, and they sit with his back turned slightly, almost to Alec, just like they’d sat on that balcony not even a week before during one of the few times they’d been able to be alone.

Magnus wonders now if he’ll ever be able to be out there now without picturing Alec tonight.

“What can I do to help?” Alec asks softly.  

And Magnus takes a deep breath because isn’t that just the thing?  It’s Alec who had the most harrowing experience tonight.  Magnus would count himself second in that unwelcome competition because he’d had to walk out onto that balcony and watch the man he’s falling for attempt to kill himself.  Even now, his hand shakes and his stomach churns at the thought of being just a few seconds too late.  

“Just sit here for a second,” Magnus whispers.  

“Gladly,” Alec says and he takes one of Magnus’s hands in his.  “I’m sorry I scared you tonight.”  

“You do _not_ have to apologize for that.”  

“Still.”  

Magnus turns slightly, into Alec’s arms.  “Don’t do that.  Don’t take on guilt that doesn’t belong to you.”  

Alec brushes his lips across Magnus’s temple and lets out a deep breath, “I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know how to explain this.”  

Magnus understands that, but he’s not sure that Alec does.  The spell was not created to force any of them into action.  It creates hallucinations of deep fears, the fears that dredge up hollowness and self-loathing, that create suspicion and hatred.  That’s all.  But where others had fought among themselves and attempted to hurt each other, Alec’s fears made him turn on himself, and there is little Magnus can do to stop that from happening again.  

He can’t fix this with magic, no matter how much he longs to try.  

“Will you tell me what she said?  The Clary you saw?”  

He squeezes Alec’s hand and waits.  It’s only for a few moments, but it feels like hours to Magnus.

“She called me a murderer.  Said everybody would be better off without me.  That I was nothing, basically.”  His voice trails off, as if there is more that he doesn’t want to say.  

“None of that is true,” Magnus says.

Alec sighs, “I know.”  

“You just don’t believe it.”  

Magnus feels him shrug, and he pulls Alec’s hand up to press a kiss against it.  

Alec slides down a little bit, just enough to put his head against Magnus’s shoulder, “It’s not the first time I’ve thought those things about myself.”  

“I figured,” Magnus says quietly.  “The spell is designed to bring out all your deep fears.  It won’t conjure thoughts that aren’t already there.”  

“I’m not suicidal,” Alec says, but he doesn’t even sound convinced himself.

“I didn’t say you were.”  But Magnus also remembers the way Alec had refused to allow himself to heal after the demon attack.  The self-harming.  

Alec sighs again.  “It’s funny you know.  I remember when my fear was that someone, that the Clave, would know I’m gay, and that’s what I hated myself for. That’s what brought up all the self loathing and the feelings that I shouldn’t even be here because I can’t be what everybody wants me to be.”  

Magnus turns his head a bit, to rest it against Alec’s.  “I’m so sorry, Alexander.”  

Alec presses a kiss to the side of his mouth. “Don’t be.  It’s progress,” he jokes.  

It falls flat because neither of them thinks it’s funny.  

Alec sits quietly, playing with the rings on his hands, and Magnus just watches him.  He wants to tell him everything will be okay and that the feelings will go away, but Magnus knows all too well that feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing sometimes never go away.  Sometimes the only way to deal with them is to face them head-on and work through them.  

He adjusts how he’s sitting and places his free hand on Alec’s jaw.  “Talk to me.”  

Alec breaks, the sobs coming unexpectedly.  “I tried to kill myself tonight.  If you hadn’t been there…”

Magnus shushes him softly and pulls him into an embrace, “But I was.  And I will be there anytime you need me.”  

He turns so that his back is against one end of the couch and then lies down, taking Alec with him until they’re intertwined together.  He lets Alec wrap himself around Magnus, the long legs trapping him while Magnus’s body weight supports them both and prevents them from falling off into the floor.  He pulls Alec’s head to his chest and fights back his own tears.  

After some time has passed, Magnus isn’t even sure how much, Alec’s sobs come to a stop, but his breathing is still ragged.  Magnus brushes a hand through his hair and thinks about how close he’d come to losing this man.  He wants to rail at the world, threaten the Lightwoods, and enact his wrath upon the Clave, all for teaching this man that he’s not good enough just as he is.  

Part of him also wants to scream at Alec.  For trying to leave him.  For doing the very thing he’s been promising not to do since they became a couple.  

But he also knows that yelling at Alec won’t help because it will just make him internalize that guilt, and that’s the last thing Alec needs.

“Alexander, you are not alone in this.”  

Alec stretches, and Magnus smiles, because he can feel him attempting to move his long legs around to get comfortable.  “What do you mean?”  

“I was going to end my life once.  A very long time ago.  And coincidentally, I was planning to do it by jumping as well.”  He leaves out the details, because Alec doesn’t need them if they’ll bring out negative feelings.

Alec’s arms tighten around him, as if he’s afraid of losing Magnus to the memory itself.  “What happened?”  

“Someone talked me down from that bridge.  Someone who cared about me at a time when I cared very little about myself.”  

“Go on.”  

“I’d rather talk about you, but I brought it up because I want you to know that I have some feelings of self-loathing too, mostly about my parentage.  I’ve hidden my warlock mark for hundreds of years because not everyone accepts it.  Not even I accept it most of the time.”

“Your eyes are beautiful though,” Alec says softly.  

“And so are _you_ ,” Magnus replies.  

Alec sighs softly and Magnus stops to think about how he wants to phrase what he’s going to say next.  He doesn’t have the right to make demands on Alec.  But he also can’t let this particular issue drop.  Not when this man means so much to him.  

“Will you do me a favor?”

Alec smirks, “Have you _met_ me?”  

Magnus snorts softly at the reminder of his own words.  “Fair warning though.  It’s probably going to be uncomfortable.”  

“What is it?”

“Will you talk to someone when you get like this?  It doesn’t have to be me, if you’re afraid you’ll scare me.  It can be Jace.  Or someone else entirely.  I can’t fix this with magic, or believe me I would.  But you can try and deal with it.  Talk about it so that it doesn’t get so bad next time.”

“Yeah, I think I can do that,” Alec agrees.  “But if I choose Jace, and he says something stupid…”

Magnus snorts, “It’s a guarantee that he’ll say something stupid.”  

Alec laughs quietly, “True.”  

Magnus sighs.  “Dealing with this is an everyday thing, and I know your culture is not big on valuing someone’s mental health.”  

Alec snorts, “Well, you’re not wrong.”

“But my request has a selfish aspect to it,” Magnus admits.

“What?”  

“Please don’t leave me like _this._  I take back the concerns I had about you leaving me after we had sex.  You can leave me if you need to, if it’s what’s better for _you_ .  Just not like _this._ ”  

Alec moves so that he’s leaning over Magnus and kisses him, “I’m not going anywhere.”  

The words hold a little more power than they did before.  

Magnus nods.  

“I’m sorry I scared you,” Alec says again.  

Magnus begins to argue with him again that an apology isn’t needed, but Alec places a finger over his mouth to quiet him.  

“Just let me have this.   _I’m sorry that I scared you_.”

Magnus stays silent this time even though everything inside him clamors to deny the need for this apology.  It seems to be what Alec needs right now.  And he can’t be angry about that because Alec’s mental health isn’t about _Magnus,_ and he knows that.  It’s about Alec and his culture, his parents, the Clave, and all the other aspects of their homophobia and bias and resentments.  It’s about them controlling the members of their kind with iron rules that have no room in them for people who are different.  It’s a thing that, while Magnus shares similar symptoms stemming from a different cause, is Alec’s load to bear.  Magnus can help Alec bear it, but he can’t control it and he can’t take it away from Alec to shoulder on his own.  Even if he would like to try.

But what he can do is acknowledge that Alec hadn’t meant to scare him, hadn’t intentionally tried to leave him.  That when Alec had tipped himself over the side of that balcony, that action had been about Alec and _Alec alone_.  

His overwhelming sense of desperation.   _His_ fears.   _His demons_.

Magnus knows because he has demons of his own to fight.

“Thank you.”  

“I have a request for you too though,” Alec says as he untangles them and gets up, holding a hand out to help Magnus to his feet.  

“What?”

“You talk to someone too.  And it doesn’t have to be me.  I don’t like the idea of _you_ feeling like this anymore than you like the idea of me feeling like this.”  

“Agreed,” Magnus says and then kisses him.  

“Can we go to bed now?  Because I’m exhausted.”  

Magnus takes his hand and leads him to the bedroom, “Do you want to shower first?”  

“In the morning?  If that’s okay with you?”  

“Of course, Alexander.”  

“Can I be the little spoon?”  

Magnus turns to him and makes an exaggerated show of rolling his eyes, “Again?”  

Alec smiles shyly at him, “I like being the little spoon.  Sue me.”  

Magnus swallows down a lump in his throat because he’s reminded of the first night they spent together, when Alec had mentioned that being the little spoon made him feel safe.  

“You can be the little spoon anytime you want,” Magnus says softly.  

“You won’t let me go?” Alec asks, and suddenly they aren’t talking about sleeping positions anymore, if the look in his eyes has any meaning.  

“Never.”  

Their relationship is going to take effort, and probably a near constant volleying back and forth of talking and reordering negative thought patterns.  They both have so much trauma in their past and so much baggage in their present.  They both have just as many reasons to let go as they have to hold on tight to each other.  Alec now has someone in his life who will do anything to keep him safe, and Magnus has someone who will defend him and keep him grounded.  Someone who might just be able to return Magnus's feelings in a way no one else has before.  

When he looks at Alexander Lightwood, and watches the look of delight he gets on his face when Magnus says his name or flirts with him, Magnus can’t help but think that every bit of effort they put in will be worth it.

 


End file.
